The Australian Writers’ Centre (AWC) runs a regular competition called Furious Fiction, where members of the general public are challenged to write a story no more than 500 words in length in just over two days, on a theme chosen by the AWC.
A few months ago, the brief provided was to include these phrases in the story
| THICK AS HONEY | SILENT AND STILL | GOLDEN GLOW |
| HEART-SHAPED | DELICATE PERFUME | SOFT AND DOUGHY |
| RAZOR-SHARP |
At first I was inclined not to take part — in a 500-word story, seven unrelated phrases take up a lot of room. But then I thought to use those phrases in a series of clerihews…. You can view the completed story below. I have included some explanatory notes at the end of the post.
The 2022 International Clerihew Competition
[Voice-Over]
“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Radio National coverage of the 2022 International Clerihew Competition, live tonight from the Empire Theatre. I’m your host, Edmund Bentley, and I’ll be describing the action for you this evening.
“The preliminary rounds of the competition were completed earlier today, and the four contestants will present their final performances for the live theatre audience tonight. The winner of tonight’s competition will be judged not only on the quality of their composition — which you’ll hear for yourselves — but also on stagecraft and performance, which I’ll be describing for you.
“A hush has fallen over the audience as the spotlight comes on, its golden glow bathing the stage in light. The first performer, Jeremy Bentham, is stepping up to the microphone. He has chosen as his subject the famous philosopher John Stuart Mill. Jeremy is wearing a suit designed by Ermenegildo Zegna, and he’s making a fine impression. Let’s hear his
performance.”
[FX: Coughing and throat-clearing]
John Stuart Mill,
Quiet and still,
Saw the world through the prism
Of Utilitarianism.
[FX: Scattered applause]
[Voice-Over]
“Well, that one went over better in the earlier rounds. I think the nerves must have got to Jeremy tonight. Next we have the well-known Irish identity, Stephen Dedalus, whose subject is the writing of James Joyce. This was an early favourite with the bookmakers. The atmosphere in the theatre is thick as honey as the audience waits.”
Though Molly Bloom
Likes delicate perfume
She doesn’t love sissies
In James Joyce’s Ulysses
[FX: Cheers and booing]
[Voice-Over]
“It’s clear that this one has had a mixed reaction. Expect some razor-sharp criticism in tomorrow’s media. Our third performer tonight is James Osterberg Jr. with a personal reminiscence on a fellow musician. He has decided to perform bare-chested for some
reason. Here we go.”
[FX: Reluctant Applause]
David Bowie
Felt soft and doughy
When ensconced like a pearl in
His apartment in Berlin.
[FX: Wild cheering from a few people, but silence otherwise]
[Voice-Over]
“Oh, dear. Mr Osterberg has chucked the microphone stand off the stage and run out of the theatre. Luckily we have another microphone. Our final performer gives her name only as Courtney and her costume seems to be very much ‘come as you are’. Let’s hear her out.”
[FX: Polite applause]
When Kurt Cobain
Travelled by plane
He put his socks
In a heart-shaped box.
[FX: Uncertain applause, sounds of conflict in the audience]
[Voice-Over]
“That’s the final performer tonight, ladies and gentlemen, and the judges are now making their official decision. The chairman of the judging panel is approaching the microphone now, and the winner of the 2022 International Clerihew Competition is —”
* * * *
Author’s Notes:
1) The announcer, Edmund Bentley is, of course, named after Edmund Clerihew Bentley, the inventor of the clerihew.
2) Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill are notable British philosophers. Mill was a student of Bentham’s.
3) Stephen Dedalus and Molly Bloom are characters from the works of James Joyce.
4) James Osterberg, Jr is the musician Iggy Pop, who once shared an apartment in Berlin with the musician David Bowie.
5) Courtney Love is also a musician, and was married to her fellow musician Kurt Cobain, who was the lead singer of the band Nirvana. “Come As You Are”, “I’m On A Plain” and “Heart Shaped Box” are all songs performed by Nirvana.
Clerihews 